NEIL ARMSTRONG: NOT THE FIRST MAN TO WALK ON THE MOON

  “It’s true, it’s true!” claims Danny Woo. “I walked on the moon before Neil Armstrong did.”

  At a press conference outside NASA Headquarters in Houston, Mr. Woo made this outrageous claim. He was immediately attacked with questions and verbal insults from attending members of the media.

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “We’ve never heard of you.”

  “Can you back up these bogus statements?”

  “I can and I have proof,” exclaimed Mr. Woo.

  “Why haven’t we ever heard of you?”

  “NASA kept my identity a secret, that’s why.”

  “So how exactly did you GET to the moon?”

  “I was aboard the Apollo 11 spacecraft.”

  Exasperated chatter filled the air followed by more accusations.

  “We only saw the three astronauts board the capsule prior to launch!”

  “I was already inside the capsule,” claimed Mr. Woo.

  “And when the astronauts were rescued from the capsule at sea, where were you?”

  “They made me wait inside the capsule until it was lifted out of the ocean, then I snuck out.”

  “This is total HOGWASH! Everyone saw the film footage of Neil Armstrong stepping down the ladder to the surface of the moon.”

  To which Mr. Woo replied, “So who do you think was working the camera?”

JIMMY HOFFA FOUND 45 YEARS LATER

  The body of missing Labor Boss Jimmy Hoffa has finally been found and identified in Bayonne, N.J.

  An old house that was being demolished in Bayonne, N.J. to make room for a new construction project unexpectedly unearthed a bomb shelter in the back yard. Construction workers noticed what looked like a body so they suspended demolition and called the local police department.

  Detectives inspected the bomb shelter and aside from the body all they found was a cot, 231 empty cans of baked beans and a can opener. Identification found on the body confirmed that the deceased was in fact the famous Jimmy Hoffa.

  The Hudson County coroner arrived to issue the official declaration of death.  One detective asked the coroner what he thought the cause of death was to which the coroner replied, “I guess he just ran out of gas.”