I was invited to interview Tarzan the Ape Man by his wife Jane at their tree house in an undisclosed location deep in the jungle. Tarzan and Jane were present and there was an audience of gorillas and chimpanzees in a nearby tree and a group of elephants on the ground below us.

CASUAL OBSERVER: “Thank you Tarzan and Jane for inviting me to your home for this interview.”

Tarzan: “Why? Why interview?”

CO: “Because you are famous and people in the rest of the world are interested in you.”

Tarzan: “No, Tarzan no like!”

Jane: “Please Tarzan, this gentleman traveled a long distance, now mind your manners.”

Tarzan: “Ok if Jane say.”

CO: “Thank you. Now why are you called ‘Tarzan the Ape Man’?”

Tarzan: “NOBODY CALL TARZAN THAT!”

Gorillas: (snickering in the background).

CO: “OK, Just Tarzan, who taught you to speak English?”

Tarzan: “Jane teach Tarzan speak English.”

CO: “Jane, is there any reason you omitted articles and prepositions from your lessons?”

Jane: “Believe me, just getting him not to grunt was a huge accomplishment.”

Gorillas: (screeching and clapping in the background).

CO: “Tarzan, where is your son, Boy?”

Tarzan: “Surfing on Ivory Coast. Teenager now, no like to be with parents.”

CO: “Are you and Jane married?”

Tarzan: “NO, Tarzan no want marry. Nobody nag Tarzan.”

Elephants and Chimpanzees: (clapping, trumpeting, screaming and jumping up and down in the background).

CO: “Jane, don’t you want to be married?”

Jane: “Yes, but not to him.”

CO: “Tarzan, you swing on vines and cover great distances. It’s simply amazing!”

Tarzan: “Tarzan is best. Faster than animals. One time Boy grease vine. Tarzan fell. Tarzan embarrassed. Not funny.”

Laughing Hyenas: (passing by treehouse laughing hysterically).

CO: “Why do the all animals obey you?”

Tarzan: “Tarzan get them in movies.”

CO: “Which brings up the question, Where is Cheeta?”

Tarzan: “Cheeta rich. Move Palm Springs.”

CO: “One last question. What does it mean when you sing out…’ Ahhh Eahhh Eahhh..Eahhh Eahhhhhhh’?”

At this point, all the elephants began to stampede. The chimpanzees along with Tarzan and Jane took to the vines and evacuated the area. The gorillas tripped over themselves to get away. All the birds screamed and flew away and no other animals were to be seen in the immediate area.