I am not qualified to give advice, but should you take it, you do so at your own risk.
Q. During the night my husband gets up at least three times and brushes his teeth before he comesback to bed. What advice if any do you have?
A. Tell him brushing alone is NOT enough. He needs to floss as well.
Q. How come they never sell clown fish at any seafood markets? I’ve checked everywhere.
A. I think they taste funny.
Q. Before my dog lies down he turns in circles four times in a clockwise direction. But, then he gets up immediately and turns in circles four times in a counter-clockwise direction before lying down. What’s up with that?
A. He has a problem with vertigo. He is reversing the flow of the fluids in his inner ear.
Q. My wife has a big problem. She occasionally wears two different shoes to her work place and is the subject of ridicule. The problem is that one shoe is a flat and the other shoe is a high heel. What is wrong with her? Please help!
A. I will do my best to help you, but you must re-contact me and tell me if your wife’s legs are the same length.
Q. I have recently entered the Witness Relocation Program. I keep getting drunk and returning to my old address by mistake which is a three hour flight away. It’s very expensive and not very smart. How can I correct this?
A. Tattoo your new address on your forehead and take a cab home from the bar.
Q. My son wears two pairs of jeans AT THE SAME TIME! He puts on a size 8 pair then a size 10 over them. What’s the matter with this kid?
A. He suffers from “Bracae Proclivitas” which is very common, but there is no known cure.
Q. We have a pet canary we love. The only problem is this bird sings all day OFF KEY. Any ideas on what we can do?
A. I would suggest going to a pet store and buying another canary that sings on key. Then put the two canaries together. Perhaps the new canary will teach the old canary how to sing. However, there is always the possibility that you will end up with two canaries that sing off key.
With all the wrong that’s going on in the world these days it’s refreshing to read The Casual Observer! Keep it coming!
Dear Rob,
A “Dear Abbey” you most certainly are NOT! Your advice always seems to miss the mark. At least you are very consistent and do miss the mark by an ACM (Advice Columnist Mile,) which means you miss the mark in a beautifully “ditzy” or particularly remarkable Lucial Ball manner, or in your case a remarkable Fred Mertz way.
For example, everyone knows the Dad whose Son wears two pairs of pants, you know, the Son you so pompously said is suffering from “Bracae Proclivitas,” is clearly only being excentric. Oh, by the way, you misspelled the diagnosis it should read “BraCCae ProclivitaTIS.” Where did you say you got your degree in “Advice Giving?” And there IS a cure, tell the Son to stop being so “Pants Addicted,” or get him into a reputable treatment program because clearly, his excentricity is a sure sign he was sexually abused as a child, and wears two pairs of pants to give himself a sense of psychological protection. Abbey would have caught this right off the bat!.
And the person who has a pet canary that sings off-key, I have two words, “Kill It!” Oh, yes I almost forgot, I sent you a letter a few weeks ago responding to your so-called “Advice Column” and I have yet to see it published in a subsequent column. Is that your policy or the policy of the editorial board of your “Henry County Times?” If it’s your policy, I know of no other reputable “News” organization that allows a supposed “Advice Columnists” to have policies in the first place, and secondly, it is very impolite. After I spend my valuable time giving you my august input, you could at least let the remaining throngs of your dedicated readership have an opportunity to read it! You know, we’re all American here, remember “Equality” as one of our National values! Don’t get me started on that, as you can imagine, I could write volumes on that!
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, in the name of William Shakespeare, I remain your lovingly attentive critic,
Dennis Crowley, Siera Leone, Africa